The Evil of the Semi-Colon: A Rant on Pompous Punctuation

I try to have a sense of humor about grammar. Otherwise certain punctuation marks would cause me tremendous grief, anxiety, and suffering. Specifically, I’m referring to commas, exclamation points, and semi-solons. Please don’t even get me started on the whole hyphen vs. en dash controversy, or the average spiritual authors’ irresistible Love of Capitalization. I might groan so loudly I’d disturb my next-door neighbors. I’m going to vent now—just getting it off my chest.

Commas appear to be travelers. They just won’t stay put. I put them in a manuscript in one place, and then my clients move them elsewhere. Why? I don’t know. Some writers seem to disdain them. Others seem to crave them. But hardly anyone wants to let them rest. They’re tired. All those poor, misunderstood commas are trying to do is help us take a tiny breath between ideas. They don’t want to travel. Give them a break, writers! You need them for lists (x, y, and z) and, YES, they precede the word “and.” Help preserve the endangered commas.

What! Is! Up! With! Exclamation! Marks?! Seriously, folks . . . you’re coming across little prepubescent girls writing notes to each other in elementary school. Next we’ll have to start coping with tiny hearts and stars. Even bestselling authors of my acquaintance (who shall remain nameless to protect their privacy) indulge in unbridled expressions of their enthusiasm. Grow up!!! When I see an exclamation point I hear one of two sounds in my head: either a high-pitched squeal or yelling. In my body, I feel it like a slap across my face or a poke in the ribs. Intellectually, it’s like you don’t believe I can form my own opinion. And possibly you are trying to control me emotionally, but you don’t believe you yourself actually possess the technical skill to capture my attention with your words. This is not good for our relationship.

Semi-colons are the spawn of the Devil. I simply advise you to resist their lure until you are an accomplished writer. They are the single most pompous piece of punctuation ever invented. You may think you appear intelligent when you use them, but using them wrongly gives the opposite impression. It’s that whole issue of lists again. Where does a comma go? Where a semi-colon? I’m not saying I’m perfect and all . . . because I still regret the semi-colon on the first page of the first book I wrote (Barker’s Grub, 2000). What was I thinking when I crafted that sentence?

Live and learn.

My advice is to use semi-colons sparsely, if at all. Better to end a sentence with a period than to stick in a semi-solon and continue it by joining it with another full thought. It’s really okay to write short sentences. This makes them chewable, digestible morsels for your readers. Be simple. Be direct. Be clear. Writing is all about communication, and the goal is to be understood.

And, of course, all of the above being said, do not let your punctuation define you as a human being. Punctuation is not where you value comes from . . . at least not to me. Some people fret that they'll be judged on the merits of their commas. Or feel miserable for making typos. Not me. And one sucessful client whom I called an "over-exclaimer" yesterday, and said he reminded me of an excited teenage girl, told me, "Perhaps I should begin my next book with OMG." We laughed and laughed.

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