Publishing Insider Success Story: Leslee Tessmann, SACRED GRIEF

A few days ago I spoke with Leslee Tessman, author of SACRED GRIEF (Living Healing Press, 2008) about her book. She was my editorial client prior to finding her publisher, who she apparently loves, and was referred to me by another client, the bestselling author Gregg Braden, who called her work "A powerful exploration of a universal human experience.... A compelling guide for everyone searching for the sweetness in life's great passages."

Stephanie: What prompted you to write SACRED GRIEF?

Leslee: New insights that came out of two challenging events in my life: A move to Houston from Seattle, which went differently than anticipated, and the death of my father a while earlier. In leaving Seattle behind I had no idea what the transition would be like. I took a job in Houston that went sour immediately, and resigned in four weeks. Then I was left will all my emotions in a new city, with a small support group, no income, and anxiety and grief hit me. Through that I started reading Pema Chodron’s book Comfortable with Uncertainty, and saw I could be curious and being with the uncertainty. That was life altering for me. I got that this was my life and I could stay awake to it and start to reduce my suffering. My old pattern was to suffer and wonder, Why is this happening again?

Stephanie: You have had a difficult history with grief, haven't you?

Leslee: Yes there have been many major grief events in my life. Frequently in the same year. And I had habitual ways of dealing with grief. The first way was to resist it and pretend everything was fine, and then cover up my feelings with food and alcohol—not letting people know how much I was struggling with the pain. I went into Al-Anon when my daughter was sick. I started going to AA when she relapsed and realized I was a binge drinker. This was back in 1989. It has been an amazing journey.

Part of my grief over time was realizing that I indulged in self-pity about the “lost time” spent grieving. I played around with writing a book way back then about being a woman in transition. Then stopped and didn’t do anything with it. In Houston, unemployed I had time to reflect that if I surrender to my grief I won’t be consumed. There are as many moments of peace as of sadness when we pay attention.

Stephanie: What is one of the important insights that led you to take up the book again?

Leslee: A major myth of grief is that it will take us over. There’s the idea, “If I give in to this pain I’ll get lost in it and it will be there forever.” That leads people to decide not to put themselves in the same situation again. A husband dying or a divorce, we make choices about our lifestyle so that we won’t risk pain. We play it safe. Our spirits want to thrive and grow, and we’re battling life. If we suppress the grief it keeps us from getting on with life, because we’re playing it safe. That’s the ripple effect. That was the case for me.

I wanted people to get that grief is sacred because it is as much a part of life as joy and creativity. It’s part of our life energy. It is as sacred as writing a book or a riding bicycle or running a marathon, or those other thing we do that we are passionate about that feed our souls. Grief is sacred because it is a natural state of our lives.

Stephanie: What does the book do for readers?

Leslee: It opens up possibility for readers to see how they are causing their own suffering. In doing that they may reduce unnecessary suffering. You’ll feel sad about your loss but if you have some vigilance about your thinking, if you could have fewer judgments and learn to leave things be, you might be surprised how quickly an emotion can pass and that actually you feel good the rest of the day. The other thing it does is to help them become aware of the power of language, so they realize that they have a relationship to grief because of language. If I have a word for grief, then I develop opinions about it. Instead of just being with it, we create a relationship. This can be unconscious, nonetheless we relate.

The book provides an opening to have a new experience, to decide the nature of the relationship. I used to have an unfriendly, aggressive relationship with grief, I felt I should be happy and beat myself up. This attitude impacts relationships and the work environment, and if you get stuck in this approach you don’t fulfill your life. Look at me, I can write. I allowed grief to unfold and move on. Even though I’ve been grieving my dad’s passing for three years, it hasn’t taken over my life. Now I’ve found a purpose.

If I could communicate one important idea to my readers it would be the whole idea of building compassion for yourself when you’re in heartache. Compassion is a muscle that let’s us be with ourselves and others in difficult or moving experiences.

About the Book

Sacred Grief: Exploring a New Dimension to Grief offers an intriguing exploration of the far-reaching ripple effect of our present-day opinions about surviving grief's emotional roller-coaster and the unnecessary suffering our judgments unconsciously promote. You’ll find comfort in discovering that there's another dimension to this universal experience—a dimension that fosters trust, kindness and compassion, peacefully heals, and steadfastly moves you towards your soul's deepest desires and dreams.

Read an Excerpt from the Book

http://sacredgrief.com/excerpt.html

Link: http://www.sacredgrief.com/